Hmm. I'm thinking of shutting down this blog. I post way too personal things without realizing. But in a world where Paris Hilton grabs headlines for days for going to jail, who really cares?

D'oh.

Anyway, I'm just reflecting on how much I'd end up learning from the whole episode last August. It's coming to a year. Wow.



This is roughly 5 months since I started working out. I haven't put on much mass.. I think because I haven't gotten heavier weights and I don't take any supplements, but I'm pretty happy with the results. It's pretty low maintenance too.

This reminds me of a time, in school - much too long ago. All I could do was to watch from behind, a safe distance away. I'd ride on my orange bicycle for hours, just to catch a glimpse of you.

Almost everyday, without fail.

You used to play table tennis. Your eyes were like giant almonds. You wore pink shorts and black sandals.

If only, I could make myself visible. If only, I could see myself.

If only, if only, if only..

But things have changed.

I feel stronger every day. There is no time for self doubt. This is my life, and it's ending second by second, right now.

It's been another hectic weekend.. I feel sapped of strength.

Not feeling very upbeat at the moment. I'd been spending all my free time retouching photos. Some of them look pretty fine. As I was looking at them, I happened to play the Perfume OST, and all of a sudden I feel.. lost.

I viewed Asura's profile on Friendster, then Luan's.. and it's just, kinda sad.

Then I looked at TY's photos.

I still don't know who she is. I'm still standing at the door.. ringing the doorbell occasionally, and waiting. I don't want to keep ringing the bell and become a nuisance, so do it sparingly, and I wait.

I'd been here for some time, and I feel like.. curling up like closing my eyes. But when if I slept, and the door opens?

Actually, will the door ever open? Sometimes it seem to creak open a little bit.. and a little light comes out. Then it shuts again.

No, no sleep.

Hope this looks good in print..



Hmm. Went to watch the latest Harry Potter film with Dot.. How many books were there? So many.. I've watched most of the films and I don't even remember the storylines!

Ahh ok, I finally got around to uploading the shots..

































Quite happy with the shots..

Okay, so the title sounds corny and fatalistic. Was gonna turn in already but I figured to scribble some notes about today.

Had a long day covering a wedding, but surprisingly I don't feel that much tired. Think I took some good shots today but too tired to process and upload them. Will do that tommorow. It was the couple that Hamster did the reshoot for some months ago, maybe last year. Really nice couple. The guy's a RSAF pilot, doesn't look like he's 30 and already a Major. They seem to shun everything traditional, so everything's more relaxed.

Hmm. I find their story interesting. Apparently they met while the bride was working part-time as a beer girl at the officers' mess at Tengah Airbase. And the groom asked for her pager number and so on - but it was only after 2 years that she finally relented and returned his call.

Then I thought about Susilo's (the badminton player) story, on how his fiance ignored him entirely in the beginning.

I think you know what I'm thinking of - the Selfish Gene!! Ok fine, I'll ditch the pop-science for once.

Last Friday when I saw her at work I had something of a mini-epiphany. I realized that whenever I look into her eyes (corny!!!) my mind just goes blank. And I think I usually have this stupid smile on my face. There's just something familiar, and totally alien about this feeling. It feels like the super crush I had on this girl when I was 14, and yet it's different somehow.

There's something in the way she speaks, the way she goes expressionless when she's thinking about something, the way she tries to fold the reflector but not quite doing it.. there's just something about her.

I realized that, in order to have something this precious.. it's probably going to require much more than just a short spurt of effort and dedication. It's going to be.. for the long run. It all seems to make sense now. I hope I'm right.

There had been many weird things going on in my head. For one, I realized that I do not want to be like Jerk, and I seem to be rejecting the whole notion of him, whether I want it to show, or not. I suddenly feel sick to the core thinking about the things he said about her, and the thing he did. And I stood there laughing along. Fuck. I'm such a coward.

What's there to lose, seriously? Is it my aversion to confrontation?

Next time it happens, I'm gonna put a stop to it. Pronto.

Urgh, I'm so blurdy tired. I kept thinking, crap man I can't do this stupid job anymore. It's wearing me inside out.

But on the other hand I want to bite the bullet and prove to myself that I can at least tolerate it until the studio is stable. That'd mean a couple more months.

But it's really madness.. the event shoots are crazy, leaving only 4 of us in the studio during weekends. Thankfully today wasn't too crowded.

Time to start preparing for my exodus.

I'm so burned out. My face is rotting due to all the stress.. and last I checked, my weight had hit 65kg. I'd think the weighing scale is broken if it'd not been that all of my pants are falling off.

The company is giving me shit. They expect new people to know how to shoot in a few days. Hell, I wasn't even allowed to have my own camera for the first two weeks, and even then I didn't have a transmitter until much later. In retrospect their complaints don't even seem coherent. Sorry, I'm not Superman.

Just went to catch Ms. Watt at the prelimary rounds of the singing competition. I must say - she is good. She stood out from the other contestants in many ways. I still don't really understand why she'd ignored all my calls and messages abruptly.. but I'm not sweating it anymore, haha. Just hope that we can be friends at least.. I really need more of those.

Still not satisfied with the results.. Hope to try again..

Haha, I can't believe I said that. But come to think of it, it's... kinda true. All this time and energy constantly improving myself and I'm taking.. passport photos?

Is this kind of confidence a good or bad thing? In a way, am I not rejecting myself for how good I am? Or how good I can be? Are all the faux compliments getting to my head, or am I not giving myself enough credit?

I don't know. But I do feel like letting go of this doubt.. and just believe.

I think I'm getting obsessed. I just want to keep on shooting, no matter how tired I feel. I just want to see what the next level will be. And the next. And the next. I feel so alive when I feel the tingling in the wires connecting my eyes to my brain; when I'm searching for the perfect light to illuminate your delicate skin, the curl of your smile. The pure simple joy of losing myself in the process.

Once again the voice of doubt surfaces; do I sound perverted? Emo? Hopelessly gauche and infantile?

Do I really need to cross-examine myself every 5 minutes?

I admire your apparent determination and perserverence. Your gaze leaves me flabbergasted, stuttering and.. at a loss of words. It's a pity I never seem to get the chance to know you.

My time seems to be running out.