Burning Bridges
The cruise shoot is finally over.
It was quite literally 4 days of hell - the closest comparable thing I can think of is field camp in BMT. But even then we get to rest and set up camp after the day's training program. During the shoot it was almost none-stop physical work, dragging and setting up equipment that easily weigh 80 kg, all over the ship, sleeping 3 to 4 hours daily.
Through the hardship I came to some conclusions, one of which is that I never function well in team environments. It's a bit strange because whenever I had to do something with another person I tend to just submit and turn into a mindless sheep and blindly follow whatever is going on.
Solo efforts like writing, creating art through drawing, painting or photography, is much more preferable.
The second thing I noticed is rather disturbing. I had been screwing up simple things like screwing on a lens hood and setting up a single light source to light a scene - which just doesn't make sense since I had been shooting for 3 fuckin years.
I will instantly panic and lose all confidence, and after I'd screwed up I'd feel the urge to literally punch myself in the head. Quite suddenly I made a connection from this to some childhood experiences.
It's rather perturbing to think that things that happened in childhood can really shape a person's character. I'm thinking of this often-repeated quote I read something that goes something like, Give me a child for 7 years and I will make the man.
I also found myself thinking quite a bit about HG. I think she may have enjoyed a cruise vacation. The odd moments when I'm standing in the wind facing the view of the full moon reflected on the sea - all of a sudden I'd wish she was there.
In all of the previous relationships I had been in, things turn bitter and ugly in the end. I had burnt almost all the bridges - none of them remained as friends.
I'm glad that things are different this time.
It was quite literally 4 days of hell - the closest comparable thing I can think of is field camp in BMT. But even then we get to rest and set up camp after the day's training program. During the shoot it was almost none-stop physical work, dragging and setting up equipment that easily weigh 80 kg, all over the ship, sleeping 3 to 4 hours daily.
Through the hardship I came to some conclusions, one of which is that I never function well in team environments. It's a bit strange because whenever I had to do something with another person I tend to just submit and turn into a mindless sheep and blindly follow whatever is going on.
Solo efforts like writing, creating art through drawing, painting or photography, is much more preferable.
The second thing I noticed is rather disturbing. I had been screwing up simple things like screwing on a lens hood and setting up a single light source to light a scene - which just doesn't make sense since I had been shooting for 3 fuckin years.
I will instantly panic and lose all confidence, and after I'd screwed up I'd feel the urge to literally punch myself in the head. Quite suddenly I made a connection from this to some childhood experiences.
It's rather perturbing to think that things that happened in childhood can really shape a person's character. I'm thinking of this often-repeated quote I read something that goes something like, Give me a child for 7 years and I will make the man.
I also found myself thinking quite a bit about HG. I think she may have enjoyed a cruise vacation. The odd moments when I'm standing in the wind facing the view of the full moon reflected on the sea - all of a sudden I'd wish she was there.
In all of the previous relationships I had been in, things turn bitter and ugly in the end. I had burnt almost all the bridges - none of them remained as friends.
I'm glad that things are different this time.